How do I even put into words what happened last night? I was one of seven journeyers, as the shamans call us pasajeros. I was my ninth ayahuasca ceremony and still my heart pounded out of anxiety.Many times I questioned if I even had the spiritual strength to be drinking ayahuasca. I asked for a dose smaller than the standard, thinking that the effects would be more subtle that way.
After I had swallowed the vile-tasting liquid, I sat on my mat patiently waiting for the effects to kick in soon. Surprisingly, nothing happened. The shamans had begun singing, people were purging and I was wide awake and in control of myself that entire time. I debated on taking a second drink, but the shamans had already reached my mat and began singing for me. Diego (?) the male shaman sang to me first. I closed my eyes, I tried to meditate and will myself to fall into a trance using his voice as a guide. Still nothing happened. I was grateful nonetheless, and felt the power of his unconditional love. Next, Rosenda, the female shaman came over and sat in front of me. She studied me for a minute before she began singing. I’m always curious about what they see. I wasn’t sure if she was able to see anything since I hadn’t been feeling the effects of the medicine yet.
Suddenly, a few minutes into her song, I felt the urge to purge. I grabbed my bucket and purged loudly into it. The noises I made echoed through the Maloka (ceremonial hut) and soon another journeyer began purging again. Rosenda has always been one of my favorite shamans. She’s a petite woman. Smaller than me, but man, she is fierce! I was quite impressed by how she was able to pull the purge from me after I had convinced myself that it wasn’t happening. However, once she moved on to the next journeyer, I continued to sit in silence observing the others going deep into their own journeys, while I was still… here.
I got up knowing I would have to drink more ayahuasca in order to experience anything tonight. As fearful as I was, I poured myself a very small dose and returned to my mat.
I sat down and I started to see the thin, colorful spiderwebs that I always tend to see in the beginning of my ceremonies. “It’s working,” I thought. Suddenly I found myself thinking of my mom. I saw a vision of her crying while I Facetimed her from the jungle. She was telling me that she missed me. I missed her too, and I began to cry. It’s very typical for me to connect with my mom and sometime even become her during my ceremonies. And soon I was in her shoes, feeling her pain and sadness for the things that she’s endured in her lifetime. I allowed those feelings to move through me, while I prayed and hoped that I could release them all for her.
Soon I began to feel myself ascending into another realm. I began to lose awareness of my body. I became part of a community, a collective. The other journeyers were purging with me, for me and through me. We were all one.
It was like a huge bath for souls. Being cleansed and pampered. I was no longer thinking of my mom or any other attachments or identities that make me who I am as a human on this earth. This went on for a bit and it came and went in waves. One minute I was in the realm of the collective, the next I was back in my body as an individual. I’m sure I could have spent more time in the non-physical realm, but fear of the unknown always brought me back to the physical. I shifted in between the two realities for a bit until I noticed a few of the other journeyers sitting outside of the Maloka gazing and the sky and sharing laughs. By this point, the shamans had ended their singing and were fast asleep. Snoring and all. So I decided to join the group outside.
The sky was white, as the moon was large and bright, but covered by the clouds. There were four of us sitting cozily right next to each other as we shared one bench. The conversation was light and quite hilarious. I was comforted by this, but I would find myself staring off into the sky realizing that I was still deep in the medicine and that my ayahuasca journey had not yet been concluded. I got up abruptly and went back inside the Maloka to sit on my mat. Immediately, I felt the shift in energy and realized that I was in a dark place. I looked back at the three souls sitting on the bench, still laughing and joking around and I thought about going back outside to join them. But I needed to purge again.
The sounds of me purging into my bucket seemed to echo through the entire universe. I heard the shamans stirring in their slumber as they heard my loud and violent purge, but they continued to sleep.
Part of me was panicking and sure that I was dying, but another part of me was like, “Relax. You’re fine. You always live through these things. Just go with it.”
What I experienced next was very disturbing. It took me to a very dark place. I felt completely alone. I felt my body breaking down. I felt like I was loosing my mind. I was back in the collective realm, but this time, I was seeing very disturbing images of torture and abuse. I felt ashamed that these images were even in my own mind! I wondered why I had these thoughts and images and I questioned my own sanity. I was ready to curl up into a ball and allow myself to be dominated by the fear.
It was then that I realized that tonight’s lesson was about Forgiveness and Compassion.
Soon I found myself expressing forgiveness and compassion for all these horrible, but very real things that happen among the human race. I sent my love to these humans who had relentlessly harmed other people and animals. Why? Because it’s what they need.
We can continue to shame and punish these people, but that won’t change anything. Feeding hostile energy with hostile energy is only going to create even more dark energy.
I believe we are currently living in a very critical time here on Earth. We need Love and Light more than ever right now.
By forgiving, we give these wounded souls hope, kind of like a second chance to chose to see all the light and love that is available to them.
You can’t force anyone to change for the better, but you can always send them Love. And the most natural part of the human condition is to always gravitate toward Love.
Thank you so much for reading. All my love your way!
Coming soon: A post on Forgiveness